Two days ago, i woke up very aroused and also very hungry for some reason. i was allowed permission to cum the night before, but it was at home with all the interruptions and things weren't calm. It was one of those sexual releases that end with ejaculate streaming forth, but without the full pleasure of it. i've heard of some dommes who use a milking technique to do that, but it wasn't what my Mistress Shola had intended for me.
Typically, i'd take matters in my own hands (excuse the pun) and regardless of whether a domme i was serving would allow me or not, i'd satisfy my own needs. For me, dommes were there to create the fantasy i needed to jerk off and after that, well my interest would wane in whatever they said.
With Mistress Shola, it is different. One reason is that i feel that my slavery under Her is real because of the fact that i've shown in action and words that i'm committed. i have handed Her a loaded gun figuratively by giving Her access to my personal life and information. i did that more for myself than for Her benefit. i know my weaknesses, i know i can stray and have done so many times in the past. i've confessed those to Mistress Shola. i want to know that in very real terms Mistress Shola can make or break me. It is the only way i know that will keep me from allowing my natural weaknesses to betray me and Her. She never asked for it, i wanted Her to have it. She had told me that it has to come from me. Submission is only real when it is given freely.
The second reason, i cannot cheat is that i feel a connection growing between Mistress Shola and i. She seems to be sensitive like a psychic about things. Knowing me deeper than just the surface stuff. i feel Her energy as well. i know She'd know if i wasn't being truthful. i actually like not being able to hide, even in my own mind. If i really gave myself in submission, then i am Hers - mind, body and spirit, to serve, obey, protect, respect and be loyal to.
i came to work letting Her know about my state and She said no to my request to cum, but would address it later in the day. Later in the day, She told me to edge four times and then go home. Once home i could cum. The frustration of the day before and the very high possibility of not getting a moment to myself to release properly. i begged and pleaded. i think Mistress knowing my inner state allowed me to cum before going home. However, the warning was a final and harsh one that this would never be repeated again. When Mistress Shola, speaks or says something it is to be obeyed and Her word is final. Since i am still early in my training, it was permitted only once and would never be again. i did cum, but felt ashamed after. i felt that i should have not allowed my need to cum cloud my judgement and beg Mistress in the manner i did. i did beg for forgiveness and my apology was accepted after some time of awkward silence. i know it won't happen again. It would have been better if i didn't cum at all and bare that frustration than feel the disapproval and disappointment of my Mistress.
Thinking of it two days later, the lesson sinks in deep. i'm not a perfect slave, let alone a perfect person, but i know i'm being moulded by Mistress Shola to be a better slave - obedient regardless of my personal weaknesses.
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